Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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