the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
