why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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