Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
