Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
