There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
