I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
