how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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