please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
