remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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