i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
