if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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