Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
