Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
