I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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