Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What a dumb baby whore.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
