As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
