it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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