She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
