apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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