If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!