i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
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worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.