it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos