His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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