If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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