I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
