two words: eviction party
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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