you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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