so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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