I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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