I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
