i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
