She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
