Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
