Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
