Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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