I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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