I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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