His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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