last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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