True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
