The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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