my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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