Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
