she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
