ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
