I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
