I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
