I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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