I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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