When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
