Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
