Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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