I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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