That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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